Today my child ate dirt. Like actually took it out of the box and ate it. …
But he is pretty cute. We gardened today. Well we got the dirt put in the box. I’ve got to add more and I want another box but I’m pretty excited about the square foot gardening thing. I want to grow and freeze veggies. I want fresh melons. I want Carl to pull weeds with me in a few months. I want to become a better gardener.
It feels good to want things again. Ive got tomatoes, peppers, herbs, watermelon and I want to get squash seeds to go withy cucumber and lettuce seeds. Go plant something!
I should be cleaning. This is the story of my life when Carl is not with me. I hate having a dirty house and I did clean a little, but then I got distracted by all the thoughts. Life has seasons. This is just one of many seasons. I got a new (to me) car today. Its pretty exciting. Faith and I won’t have to car share anymore which is pretty sweet. Car sharing is hard and it can be tricky.
Going through a divorce is difficult, but I think if you wrap your mind around it and if you take a lot of time to do that then it will be less difficult. At least that has been my experience so far. I know everyone has a different experience and while I acknowledge that I had a hand in the ultimate demise of the relationship I also think that I did everything I could to save a sinking ship and then I did the healthy thing by jumping off.
And now I get to live again. That’s the way life should be. If it isn’t working, try and fix it, if it can’t be fixed…give it away and move on. Don’t spend all your time dwelling on that other person. Let them live their life. If you have a child with them then you can’t help but dwell a little, I mean you have to see them on a regular basis. But don’t make that your whole life. That is one my mantras these days. So far I think I am doing pretty good. I stay busy, I haven’t binged on cookies and ice cream, life is pretty good.
Somewhere along the journey I became labelled “too nice”. And somewhere along the journey I stopped trusting my own instincts. I’ve come to terms with a lot of changes recently. My life feels like whirlwind. Little bunny is turning 1. I’m going to be officially divorced in 21-36 days. I’m getting a new to me car. I’m buying land. I’m apparently part of a convoluted chain of inheritance on some other land. No one is doing anything in Corinth about my father’s murder or if they are it’s a big fat secret they aren’t telling me. And I’m pretty sure in the 5+ years I’ve been out of the dating scene everything has changed. I mean everything. I don’t know how to do that any more.
I’m really not too nice but I do have a philosophy that I would like to share. How we act toward another person reflects on us not them so whether it’s an annoying driver who cuts us off in traffic or a co-worker who seems impossible to get along with, a friend who has been disloyal, or a spouse that cheats with your friend, how you treat that person reflects on you, not them. I fail. I fail all the time when I’m angry, or I give into bitterness, or I just forget to live because I’m dwelling on the misdeeds of another person but eventually I try to remember that kindness is not in vane. Compassion is always the best answer. Everyone is flawed and will eventually do something hurtful even if it is unintentional. So let’s all remember to be kind…and get over ourselves. I’m going to make that my mantra for a while.
Humans like to be prepared.. I like to be prepared. When I found out I was pregnant I made a spreadsheet and filled it in based on what I thought I would need for Carl from now until he is an adult (basically). It has changed over the last year. It used to be all diapers, and baby furniture and tiny clothes and now it is about learning materials and clothes from now until size 8 (which considering he in in 12month clothes right now is pretty far out). I like to be prepared. If I do my taxes I mentally prepare myself to be audited. If I plan a party I prepare for no one and everyone to come so that when I get about halfway between that I will be prepared. I don’t let myself hope for things anymore, I simply prepare for the worst and if something good happens then all the better.
I prepared myself for a divorce. I spent a lot of time thinking about all the ways in which I could fix my marriage, what I had done wrong, how I could fix it, if this or that would just fall into place. I put a strange amount of hope into something I knew wasn’t fixable and more than that I probably wouldn’t want it even if it could be fixed. Then I prepared myself for the idea of being divorced. Or at least I thought I did. I started thinking seriously about divorce almost two years ago. I moved out. I did my own thing. I was almost ready, and then I found out I was pregnant. That put a whole bunch of other complications into the idea of divorce so I stopped thinking and preparing for a while. Then I had a sweet little exhausting newborn, infant, and then almost toddler. That time passes swiftly especially if you are trying to do most of it yourself. Inevitably I started thinking about divorce again. And then one day I saw something that just flipped the switch for me. I take a really long time to make a decision but once I do I am ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
So I saw a lawyer, and I payed all the fees myself, and I got the papers together, and I started the conversations and I pushed and pushed and cried a little. I got to feel unwanted yet again. I got to feel that pain of abandonment again. I got to feel the hope that seeing the light at the end of the tunnel will bring. And finally I got to sign the papers and so did he. Barring something terrible and given another 26-41 days and a judges signature I will be officially divorced.I will be under 30 and divorced. I thought I was prepared for how that would feel. I thought I would be sadder, and I am sad, but I am also relieved. I can live again. I mean I have been living, but not really for me, mostly for Carl. And don’t get me wrong I love being a mom, but I am also a woman and still a young one at that. This doesn’t have to be how my story ends I have a ton of story left to tell. I needed that realization. I need that to be reality. So while I still plan to be a great mom and a great employee and a great friend I can now also be a great me because I have all the parts of me back again.
How do we navigate the obstacles of life? I’m not sure but right at this moment I feel weighed down with the obstacles. I was late today. As a rule I am never ever late for anything ever. I hate being late. I feel physical ill and emotionally guilty if i am late for anything whether it be work or play or anything. If i am two minutes late to Babies Love the Library I feel so guilty. I was actually late in something of a chain reaction this morning. First I was late to pick up my sister (oh the joys of sharing a vehicle), then I was late for my slot of sitting in the chapel for the all night vigil. One of those just sort of led to another unfortunately. There are reasons for my lateness of course. There are always reasons.
It’s hard to be anxious while starting at that face…it’s also easy to be late.
When your life is encumbered by emotional, physical, and spiritual clutter any new thing can feel like an obstacle, anything at all might feel like one. I feel like my life is burdened down with obstacles that are taking too long to do away with. That’s not a particularly pleasant feeling and it makes everything seem harder.
Perhaps what I should get from this rare opportunity to quietly contemplate is that the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. I need to stop trying to fix everything at once and just focus on fixing one thing until it is well and truly fixed so that I can move on from it. As well as I know myself it probably won’t be just one thing, more like 4, but not everything all at once.
Here’s to eating my elephant. Have a wonderful Good Friday and walk in love friends.
Kismet is a fun word; much more fun than plain old fate. I mean really, who would want to say fate when they could say something cool like kismet.
So do you believe in kismet? And if so does that exclude the premise of freewill? I think that you can have kismet and freewill. The two should not be mutually exclusive. I believe that there are just some people we are supposed to meet, some events we are supposed to go through or witness, and that is kismet. It is up to us how we react, what we hold on to and what we let go of. I hate to beat a dead horse but I am about to be an under 30 divorcee and I would like to think that there is some kismet involved there and that while I have no idea why things worked out the way they did there is a reason somewhere.
Lent is one of my favorite times of year. I’m not sure if it is the promise of Spring or the spiritual do-over that Lent represents, but something about it is pretty stinking amazing to me.
How often in life do we get to relive the same moment, the same sort of event? I think it is rare. Sure we celebrate our birthday, and Christmas every year but no two years are the same. Friends that celebrated with you one year might be gone the next. Family that you opened gifts with every Christmas morning could change through death, distance or simple lack of affection. Lent and Holy Week are constants each year. One leads steadily to another and then finally to Easter and after that everything is downhill. I like that. I find it comforting.
Life has changed rather drastically in the last year for me. I had a kid and I am told that will change a person. I am getting (almost there) a divorce. I am adventuring again. I suppose I have been single for the past year or so, but it is really hitting me now. I didn’t plan to be single in this particular phase of my life but there it is. I’m not entirely thrilled about it but if the alternative is being tied to someone who clearly doesn’t want to be tied to me I will gladly take it. I can work on changing my singleness. I can’t change the hardened heart of another human.
That is the hardest part of any separation, knowing when it is futile to continue. Kenny Rogers was correct when he said that you have to know when to hold em and when to fold em. I’m folding. I am taking the initiative, ready to get this over with as soon as possible so I can move on to a better adventure because I have been stuck in this rut entirely too long. I’ve got no more tears, or sad thoughts, at least not at the moment. At the moment I am just done.
I love Lent, and Holy Week, because at the end of all that work and contemplative time is a great celebration and a new adventure. I went to a service tonight because I can do that all by myself and I am glad that I did. The message was good. Do something kind for someone, and not necessarily someone you like or even really know. That’s a pretty good message and one I will make happen this week. Go. Spread Kindness. Have an adventure. Be single and learn to enjoy it.
It takes about 20 minutes to pump breast milk every time I have to pump.
It takes about an hour to make dinner, do the dishes, and feed the baby every evening.
Seeing a movie in theaters takes about 3 hours no matter the length of the movie
There are 24 hours in a day
It takes about 3 days to finish a moderate embroidery project.
There are 7 days in a week
It takes roughly 14 days to get paid.
It takes 21 days for a new habit to form.
A Caterpillar will transform into a beautiful butterfly in about 28 days
It takes 28, 30, or 31 days to get to a new month
A dragonfly will live for about 4 months
Growing a baby takes about 9 months
Some babies learn to walk in just 10 months
A chameleon lives for about 1 year.
Some children are potty trained by the time they are 18 months old
That’s how long it takes me to go from one step to another. That would be how long it takes me to from separation to actually taking another step. Good grief.
I’ve never been very good at starting a routine. However once I get into it I am really good at never changing that routine ever. To the point where I get stuck in it. I am much like a stubborn mule about some things and my routine (ok well pretty much everything actually) is one of those things. There are catastrophic life events, such as children, and aging, that tend to change that whether I like it or not. I will be 27 this year. That’s pretty weird. I will have a one year old this year. That is even weirder. Taking stock of my life so far I have a job, I have shelter, I will never get rich this way (and thats ok), I’m properly disillusioned about love and soul mates and all that crap, I’m not divorced…yet, I have adult friends, and mom friends, and I am a fairly happy person who has a sort of handle on her life sometimes.
Am I learning? Every single day I learn something new but I am actively trying to learn all I can about as much as I can as I try and teach a small human how to grow into a big one. So far this year I have actually taken steps to restore some of the balance in my life (go me). Am I growing? Extremely slowly. Am I changing? Not as rapidly as my almost 1 year old but yes I am changing. Its funny how life has seasons. About ten years ago I would go to bed early and get up extremely early and I was pretty much a boring old lady in a teens body. Now I do the exact same thing as an adult. I don’t own my own home yet and I don’t think I will ever have an empire to rule over.
What do I want to do with my life? Once upon a time I hated that question. Now I dislike it but I don’t find it as rage inducing. I like what I am doing right now. I believe it has purpose. I like spending time being the one actually raising my child. I think that is really important. Why have a kid if you plan on foisting him off on someone else his whole life? I want to eventually do a little better than living paycheck to paycheck. I want to make things and live comfortably and teach and learn and play and have a great life. No one will write about me in the history books and I probably wont win any awards but I hope to make a small difference in the lives of those I touch. That is what I want to do with my life. I want to leave this earth a tiny bit better off than I found it.
Bring it on 2016. I’ve got plans for you!!
I’m a holiday person. Did you know that their are people out there who actually do not like the holidays? Yeah. They are crazy. Thanksgiving to Epiphany are the best time of year to me. I wait all year for this time. I mean I love other times of year as well but this is my favorite by far which makes what I am about to say weird.
Every since I was a little girl I put a lot into ensuring everyone in my life has a magical and happy Christmas. I want everyone to have a nice gift, enjoy the food, laugh, have fun and get along. I want the decorations to be nice. I try and send a card full of holiday cheer to all those who have made a difference or had an impact on me throughout the year. I try to pick traditions and attend events that will make this year or that year special. The past five years or so I come away from Christmas and the holiday season strangely dissatisfied. I had fun at times, but there was always some sort of sadness attached to it. Perhaps my expectations were too high or I was celebrating with the wrong people but something just wasn’t right. Last year was a little better. I was still anxious and a little sad and it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be but it was better. This year I think will be the best yet and not just because I have a cute little bunny to celebrate it with.
This year I made a few changes. When I sent out my Christmas cards I sent them to the people I wanted to send them to and didn’t worry about any of the people I should send them to. I loaded those things full of cute Carl pictures and warm notes and I enjoyed it. I sent out probably half the cards I normally send and I am happy with that.
When I made a list of people to get gifts for it was shorter. I didn’t get a gift for my inlaws, except the wonderful Inez. I didn’t get a gift for anyone I didn’t actually enjoy having around. How nice is that? I put up my tree when I felt like it rather than when I thought would make everyone else happy. I put three trees up and guess what, no one complained. My house is not perfectly clean, but it is decorated and it makes me happy.
This year is different and not just because I am separated (for yet another Christmas), or because for the first time in years I am not spending Christmas with my inlaws, or because I have a new baby who loves all the lights and pulling things off the tree. This year is different because I have figured something out that I was missing before. I’m doing what I want to do. It is sad that things are changing, and that I won’t have that someone special to share everything with like in the Hallmark movies but I have a pretty good family, good friends and a cute baby and the realization that nothing will ever happen the way I think it will. And that’s ok. I am 26 years old and my life will never be a hallmark movie and I may spend the next 20 years celebrating the holidays with my sister and my little bunny and that will be grand. Its much more than many people have.
If you are, like I was, dissatisfied with the way your holidays always seem to go my advice is to do what you want and forget the rest. I guarantee you will be happier. Merry (early) Christmas and may the peace of the lord be with you and yours.