Humans like to be prepared.. I like to be prepared. When I found out I was pregnant I made a spreadsheet and filled it in based on what I thought I would need for Carl from now until he is an adult (basically). It has changed over the last year. It used to be all diapers, and baby furniture and tiny clothes and now it is about learning materials and clothes from now until size 8 (which considering he in in 12month clothes right now is pretty far out). I like to be prepared. If I do my taxes I mentally prepare myself to be audited. If I plan a party I prepare for no one and everyone to come so that when I get about halfway between that I will be prepared. I don’t let myself hope for things anymore, I simply prepare for the worst and if something good happens then all the better.
I prepared myself for a divorce. I spent a lot of time thinking about all the ways in which I could fix my marriage, what I had done wrong, how I could fix it, if this or that would just fall into place. I put a strange amount of hope into something I knew wasn’t fixable and more than that I probably wouldn’t want it even if it could be fixed. Then I prepared myself for the idea of being divorced. Or at least I thought I did. I started thinking seriously about divorce almost two years ago. I moved out. I did my own thing. I was almost ready, and then I found out I was pregnant. That put a whole bunch of other complications into the idea of divorce so I stopped thinking and preparing for a while. Then I had a sweet little exhausting newborn, infant, and then almost toddler. That time passes swiftly especially if you are trying to do most of it yourself. Inevitably I started thinking about divorce again. And then one day I saw something that just flipped the switch for me. I take a really long time to make a decision but once I do I am ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
So I saw a lawyer, and I payed all the fees myself, and I got the papers together, and I started the conversations and I pushed and pushed and cried a little. I got to feel unwanted yet again. I got to feel that pain of abandonment again. I got to feel the hope that seeing the light at the end of the tunnel will bring. And finally I got to sign the papers and so did he. Barring something terrible and given another 26-41 days and a judges signature I will be officially divorced.I will be under 30 and divorced. I thought I was prepared for how that would feel. I thought I would be sadder, and I am sad, but I am also relieved. I can live again. I mean I have been living, but not really for me, mostly for Carl. And don’t get me wrong I love being a mom, but I am also a woman and still a young one at that. This doesn’t have to be how my story ends I have a ton of story left to tell. I needed that realization. I need that to be reality. So while I still plan to be a great mom and a great employee and a great friend I can now also be a great me because I have all the parts of me back again.
How do we navigate the obstacles of life? I’m not sure but right at this moment I feel weighed down with the obstacles. I was late today. As a rule I am never ever late for anything ever. I hate being late. I feel physical ill and emotionally guilty if i am late for anything whether it be work or play or anything. If i am two minutes late to Babies Love the Library I feel so guilty. I was actually late in something of a chain reaction this morning. First I was late to pick up my sister (oh the joys of sharing a vehicle), then I was late for my slot of sitting in the chapel for the all night vigil. One of those just sort of led to another unfortunately. There are reasons for my lateness of course. There are always reasons.
It’s hard to be anxious while starting at that face…it’s also easy to be late.
When your life is encumbered by emotional, physical, and spiritual clutter any new thing can feel like an obstacle, anything at all might feel like one. I feel like my life is burdened down with obstacles that are taking too long to do away with. That’s not a particularly pleasant feeling and it makes everything seem harder.
Perhaps what I should get from this rare opportunity to quietly contemplate is that the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. I need to stop trying to fix everything at once and just focus on fixing one thing until it is well and truly fixed so that I can move on from it. As well as I know myself it probably won’t be just one thing, more like 4, but not everything all at once.
Here’s to eating my elephant. Have a wonderful Good Friday and walk in love friends.
Kismet is a fun word; much more fun than plain old fate. I mean really, who would want to say fate when they could say something cool like kismet.
So do you believe in kismet? And if so does that exclude the premise of freewill? I think that you can have kismet and freewill. The two should not be mutually exclusive. I believe that there are just some people we are supposed to meet, some events we are supposed to go through or witness, and that is kismet. It is up to us how we react, what we hold on to and what we let go of. I hate to beat a dead horse but I am about to be an under 30 divorcee and I would like to think that there is some kismet involved there and that while I have no idea why things worked out the way they did there is a reason somewhere.
Lent is one of my favorite times of year. I’m not sure if it is the promise of Spring or the spiritual do-over that Lent represents, but something about it is pretty stinking amazing to me.
How often in life do we get to relive the same moment, the same sort of event? I think it is rare. Sure we celebrate our birthday, and Christmas every year but no two years are the same. Friends that celebrated with you one year might be gone the next. Family that you opened gifts with every Christmas morning could change through death, distance or simple lack of affection. Lent and Holy Week are constants each year. One leads steadily to another and then finally to Easter and after that everything is downhill. I like that. I find it comforting.
Life has changed rather drastically in the last year for me. I had a kid and I am told that will change a person. I am getting (almost there) a divorce. I am adventuring again. I suppose I have been single for the past year or so, but it is really hitting me now. I didn’t plan to be single in this particular phase of my life but there it is. I’m not entirely thrilled about it but if the alternative is being tied to someone who clearly doesn’t want to be tied to me I will gladly take it. I can work on changing my singleness. I can’t change the hardened heart of another human.
That is the hardest part of any separation, knowing when it is futile to continue. Kenny Rogers was correct when he said that you have to know when to hold em and when to fold em. I’m folding. I am taking the initiative, ready to get this over with as soon as possible so I can move on to a better adventure because I have been stuck in this rut entirely too long. I’ve got no more tears, or sad thoughts, at least not at the moment. At the moment I am just done.
I love Lent, and Holy Week, because at the end of all that work and contemplative time is a great celebration and a new adventure. I went to a service tonight because I can do that all by myself and I am glad that I did. The message was good. Do something kind for someone, and not necessarily someone you like or even really know. That’s a pretty good message and one I will make happen this week. Go. Spread Kindness. Have an adventure. Be single and learn to enjoy it.
It takes about 20 minutes to pump breast milk every time I have to pump.
It takes about an hour to make dinner, do the dishes, and feed the baby every evening.
Seeing a movie in theaters takes about 3 hours no matter the length of the movie
There are 24 hours in a day
It takes about 3 days to finish a moderate embroidery project.
There are 7 days in a week
It takes roughly 14 days to get paid.
It takes 21 days for a new habit to form.
A Caterpillar will transform into a beautiful butterfly in about 28 days
It takes 28, 30, or 31 days to get to a new month
A dragonfly will live for about 4 months
Growing a baby takes about 9 months
Some babies learn to walk in just 10 months
A chameleon lives for about 1 year.
Some children are potty trained by the time they are 18 months old
That’s how long it takes me to go from one step to another. That would be how long it takes me to from separation to actually taking another step. Good grief.